These last two years have been almost like a plethora of revelations for me. Among those major shocks, there are those I concluded in the following: dogs can sneeze (in all my years, I haven’t seen something this hilarious), frogs reproduce asexually (poor bastards don’t know what they’re missing), girls are a big pain in the neck (and hole in the pocket) and that a guy can actually get bored of kissing. I also realized that if I stuck to my motto of PC GAMING RULEZ, I’d be bankrupt before I could spell M-O-N-E-Y. Consoles and handhelds suddenly started becoming brighter prospects and the term “bang for your buck” has started making absolute sense. For those of you who think this is going to be another of those “PC versus Console” articles, sorry to disappoint you. Instead, I’ll be dealing with the question that has been torturing me the most: Are handheld and portable gaming devices ready to kick their console and PC counterparts out of orbit. And the answer? Let’s find out.

And by the way, if anyone wants to discuss the absolute beauty of a sneezing dog in action, do send me a mail… No shit, I’m serious.

Being a child was always pleasurable. Have fun at school, come back home, skip homework, sit and play video games like there’s no tomorrow… Ah, those were the days! You could always depend on your parents for that spanking new SNES or Genesis (Afterall, Genesis does what Nintendon’t, right Sega? Oh that’s right, you don’t make consoles anymore!). But as we grew up, responsibility crept in and playing games suddenly became a kiddish pursuit, at least according to your parents. You had to work REAL hard to get your Playstations, Nintendo 64s and Pentiums. Computers, which were considered the holy grail of gaming, also got costlier with the rise of the evil, fancy graphic cards that carried an asking price of your kidney. Fast forward to present day, a good, “future-proof” graphics card which can play most of the games on the market costs you more than Rs. 25000 (and that’s without the rest of the PC). Consoles are no different these days. Sony’s so-called supercomputing Playstation 3 costs Rs 40,000 (although a price drop will be in effect soon) and Microsoft’s Xbox 360 (which breaks down as if it were made of Legos) retails at around Rs 25,000. And did I mention that each title costs anywhere between Rs 2,000-Rs 3,000? Naturally, many of you may say, “Shiver me timbers”, but modding costs a bit and even then the titles are around Rs. 100 to 200; not to mention being deprived of online features and with no guarantee of working 100%, or worse, fucking up your console. So what option do gamers have? Enter the Handheld Realm!

A brief history of Ninten-… I mean Handhelds!

Handheld gaming was always considered more of a fad and an extra. Yes, it was portable; yes, there were great games, but handheld games were always tailored for 5-10 minute play sessions (See: Game and Watch Gallery series). Anything more than that, and you’d be gulping down Aspirin. Back in the glory days of the NES, SNES and Sega Mega Drive, Nintendo came out with the black and white Gameboy. Gamers worldwide were instantly captivated with the prospect of carrying around a Mario game wherever they went. And Mario wasn’t the only one on the portable bandwagon. I remember I used to go to school and discuss my NES/SNES exploits about how you could ride a dinosaur in Super Mario World, or how I had finally got the true “Samus Aran in a Bikini” ending in Metroid. At first, everyone used to listen with utmost attention, but it all changed when one of them got a Gameboy (goddamn you!). Why would they listen to my exploits (which were sometimes made up), when they could kill Bowser and save the Princess before Science class? Suddenly EVERYONE wanted a Gameboy; word spread like wildfire in a kerosene-soaked forest. Nintendo had finally cracked the handheld market and too in style.

Nintendo knew that they had something special in the Gameboy and attempts by Sega to enter the handheld market with their horrible GameGear system failed miserably. Nintendo was in there alone and the bastards knew it. To force people into buying their handheld systems, Nintendo took risks like releasing Zelda and Metroid sequels (which were actually pretty proficient for it’s time) on the Gameboy exclusively. Many gamers revolted in hate and accused Nintendo of being a money-hungry corporate outfit, but in the end everyone succumbed. Nintendo strengthened its position in the handheld market by releasing various variants of the Gameboy over the years, the most prominent of which were Gameboy Color (“Look ma, Link is greeeeen!”), Gameboy Advance (portable SNES) and the recent Gameboy Micro (choking hazard… beware). While the Nintendo 64 was pounded by the Playstation and then the Gamecube was steamrolled over by both the Playstation 2 and Xbox, Nintendo still held its ground mainly due to its handheld dominance and trademark franchises. The release of the Nintendo DS has just proved that no one understands the portable market better than Nintendo. Around the late 90s, we also saw Nokia slipping in a little game called Snake in their monochrome cell phones which went ahead revolutionizing and coining the term “mobile gaming”. Of course, things look better now for all you handheld freaks with Sony’s sexy, music churning, video playing, game porting (Playstation Port-able… get it?), net surfing, chick magnet… the PSP. Will all the pieces set in place, both the Nintendo DS and Sony PSP, along with various other game playing phones will unite to battle the towering PC/Console giants. Little David did kick the shit out of fat-ass Goliath, after all.

Where’s the Money, Honey?

Halo 3, Gears of War, Killzone 2, Crysis, Metal Gear Solid 4, Devil May Cry 4, Assassin’s Creed, Bioshock, Mass Effect, Heavenly Sword… Lord almighty, how will I ever survive if I don’t play these behemoths? I’ll be a disgrace of a gamer! So be it, I am so going to buy an X360, a PS3 and a Quad-Core PC with a state-of-the-art 8800 GTS… Gaming bliss will be mine, I tell you! All mine! … what do you mean all this stuff costs ‘money’? Is that like some kind of currency for exchanging foreign goods? Awwwww craaap!”

I’ve go through the above situation every time I watch a cutting edge, mouth watering game trailer. But it doesn’t take long to break away from la-la land. Gaming doesn’t come cheap these days. Budget gamers like me usually wait for those much wanted price cuts before buying anything new-gen. On the other hand, handheld consoles are cheaper, the handheld games are also a lot cheaper and always dance in front of you as a great bargain. Of course, a couple of years ago, I wouldn’t have gone for handhelds even if they were selling for peanuts. No matter how cheap the handheld is, it’s no use without some great titles. Yes, since the time of the Gameboy there have always been some great titles on handhelds, but frankly speaking none of the caliber of Halo, Metal Gear Solid or God of War. But with the release of the PSP and DS, we have some exceptionally awesome titles. For the DS, there’s Mario Kart DS, Nintendogs (I swear, Japanese folks would die for this shit), Elite Beat Agents, the upcoming Ninja Gaiden Dragon Swords; while on the PSP: Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops, Syphon Filter: Dark Mirror, God of War: Chains of Olympus, Grand Theft Auto Liberty City/Vice City Stories (technical excellence at its best) and many, many more. Today, you could grab a handheld system and get the same blockbuster experience that you usually get from your Consoles/PC for nearly a third of the price of either (that too with the consideration of purchasing legit software).

A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush.

The biggest benefit that a handheld has over a PC or console is portability. With a console/PC setup, the gamer is confined to his room and interaction with other gamers can only be done online or by calling friends over (even then, most of the games have 2 player modes only). In contrast, with a handheld and the wonders of Wi-Fi connectivity, a gamer can play his game wherever he wants, whenever he wants and with whoever he wants. Imagine playing Burnout Dominator with five other friends sitting right next to you, getting an amazing vertical takedown on one of your friends and smack-talking him with a variety of offensive gestures right in his face. Right then and there. Or maybe getting killed in a hilarious way while playing Metroid Prime Hunters and laughing about it with your friends. Or for those of you who detest competition, sitting at a river side with three of your friends and fishing leisurely in Animal Crossing: Wild World will win you over. Multiplayer and Co-op gaming on handhelds is easily one of the best experiences a gamer can possibly get.

Now, imagine you are just about to nail General RAAM from Gears of War in Insane Mode; you empty clip after clip into him and he is just about to die when… there is a power failure. At that moment of intense anger, listen very carefully and you may just hear the distinct and victorious laugh of someone sitting in the dark, kicking some serious ass with Killzone: Liberation on his PSP. Crysis looks so damn good, almost photo realistic. So it’s too bad, you can’t take with you and show it to everyone around. Well, as for me, I can show every Tom, Dick, Harry, Osama and Ojamba Ojamba, an amazingly slick double quick kill that I got in Prince of Persia: Rival Swords.

While we are speaking about portability, for all my pervert brothers, the word ‘portable’ is also equivalent to “porn on the go.” Now you can totally watch Jenna Jameson getting humped while on your way to work! Ah, what a way to start the morning. Just make sure you don’t emote a lot while on the bus, I’m positive it could lead to some unwanted problems. Parents shielding their daughters from you, kids shrieking, aged citizens giving lectures…you know, the works. Also, the ability to surf the net from any of the many Wi-Fi hotspots serves as the icing on the cake; whereas videos, music and photos can be considered as that sweet, red cherry that majestically sits on that icing.

Time is Money, Baby!

It’s a bad, bad world out there. The competition is cut-throat and a second lost is a rupee lost. Students have to study hard for that medical seat or CAT rank. Adults have to work to earn their bread and feed their families. Everyone is busy these days and life has become so mechanical that sometimes you should stop and ask yourselves…Can you really afford to spend your precious time playing games?

I know some die-hard gamers who’ve already decreased or completely abandoned playing games. Yes, I know, it’s horrible, but sadly, that’s how it is. Today’s gamer cannot afford to sit down and set aside time for a 200+ hour game like Elder Scrolls: Oblivion. Those lengthy gaming affairs are now slowly becoming short 10 hour bursts and games are growing lesser in playtime as we speak. And we really can’t blame the developers for that. The average gamer, apart from playing games, has to attend college or go to work, or hang out with his girlfriend, or in some cases… sleep! Once again this is where handheld gaming shines through. The library of handheld games is immense and also varied. You can pick up a game like Lumines or Puzzle Quest, play for 5 minutes, put it down and continue your work. And even then if you really wanted to, you could play 40+ hour sagas on your handhelds. It’s all about giving the gamer choice and the handheld market does just that.

While playing Console/PC games, I’ve often been a victim of the “just till I get to the next save point” syndrome. When there is work to be done and very good games to be played, I often promise myself that I’ll play just till I kill the next boss, then save and finish my work. Usually, though, I end up killing the boss, then go on to kill a couple of more bosses and sometimes even finish the game off. Victory bells ring everywhere, but that wonderful sound quickly fades the moment I get bellowed at for being a lazy bum and putting off work (while I’m still prone to the aforementioned syndrome, it’s a bit more controlled). But with handhelds, I can just put my PSP or DS on sleep mode until my next play session. No worries on getting to that next save point anymore. Hallelujah!

So who won? Well, duh.

It doesn’t take a genius to notice that handhelds, while being smaller in stature and size, have shitloads of benefits over the almighty consoles and PC’s. And the present day gamer has an enormous amount of variety when it comes to handheld games. There is a great game out there for everyone one of you, whether it be action, adventure, sports, racing, 30 hour long RPG’s, or nifty short and replayable puzzle games. Finally, I’d just like to bring to your notice that games like Halo 3 and Metal Gear Solid 4 will always be best served on a console or PC, I’m not against the console or PC gamer (I’m one myself). It’s just a fact that we should all accept… handheld gaming has become a force to be reckoned with.

Powered by Gregarious (42)

TRANSLATE

Translate this post into your favorite language. Click on any of the flags below to view the translated version. NOTE: Translations use the AltaVista Babel Fish Translation Service and may not be 100% accurate.

• UnR3aL Says:
  October 27th, 2007 at 1:31 pm

  Awesome article Aiman

• Gravito Says:
  October 27th, 2007 at 2:20 pm

  Wow,Quite a Perfect Article,Truly Handheld Gaming RULEZ!(That Sneezing Dog is HILLARIOUS :D)

• Aiman Anwar Says:
  October 27th, 2007 at 2:40 pm

  @Gravito: yeah man…sneezing dogs is one of nature’s many beautiful things; poor canine sneezes and then is totally confused and is like “oh my dog(pun intended :D), what the fuck just happenned?”

  heh heh, thank god for making them so dumb…ah no…hey PETA, i didnt mean that.

• Reginald Miranda Says:
  October 27th, 2007 at 11:19 pm

  Interesting article Grif! And you make some very excellent points. In the console v/s PC war, almost everyone seems to forget about the poor handheld and i swear, I relate to EVERY word you wrote!!

  Oh and btw - fuck sneezing - have you ever seen a dog after it farts? OMFG - the look on a dog’s face after it fars can only be described in 3 alphabets - WTF?!

• UnR3aL Says:
  October 28th, 2007 at 12:34 am

  @ Reggie - a FARTING dog ? LOL

• Aiman Anwar Says:
  October 28th, 2007 at 2:12 am

  @Reggie…I hope I live to see that man…I really hope I live enough to see that :D:D:D

• Neelesh Says:
  October 28th, 2007 at 11:25 am

  The way of the future definitely lies in handheld gaming…so better get ready to deal with a pair of squinted eyes stiff necks and aching thumbs…Soon there will be litigations and law suits filed for diseases against Nintendo and Sony.

  But on a rather serious note, Handheld gaming is set to refine itself considerably over ther years, the future does and will not lie in bulky 10 kg consoles rather in minature devices that hold much more content and appeal to a wider range of audiences across the globe…This is where hardcore is soon going to shift to, palying Huge MMMMMOOOORPGS during lunch breaks is something countries like Japn are already getting into…Monster Hunter is PSP’s biggest hit over there because its on a handheld primarily…This is just a lousy example of things to come…another year or so people will be using their phones to play Online games which are immensely popular in this date…

  Hey according to an article I read we’ll soon be having SEX with machines 20 years down the lie…So the one who gives you a lovely blowjob does lie somewhere inside your pocket after all…

• captain-exile Says:
  October 28th, 2007 at 1:26 pm

  Back with a bang griffy. Really good article. Think my next buy will be a slim PSP…

• Aiman Anwar Says:
  October 28th, 2007 at 9:21 pm

  @Neelesh: Yep man, tell me about it. I like multiplayer gaming man…I totally live it…Xbox Live and online through PC is great, but the real deal lies when you link up 4 X360’s on System Link, Hijack a Banshee midair in Halo 3 and then look at the expression on the face of the guy who you just pulled out of a flying machine and threw down to his death…nothing and i repeat in caps….NOTHING beats that. But, like you said, carrying around X360’s is a big pain, and also you need Tv’s or atleast monitors. So it becomes more of a weekly drill.

  But with the PSP, usually me and the gang meet up, around 5 PSP’s…load up Call of Duty Roads to Victory while waiting for the meal we just ordered in a restaurant and kick@ss..all i have to care about is the noise level we create…people in the vicinity do give us nasty looks…but who cares…handheld ad hoc multiplayer is the way to go…and it can be done anywhere man…thats the best part…

  About the machine sex part…nah man i’ll pass…i appreciate you fantasies to mate with our mechanical friends …but i prefer what we generally call as ‘chicks’..

  @exile : thanks mama, good to be back…how’s the BDSM going? :D:P

  about the slim psp, atleast from my side i suggest you wait and see if the original PSP model goes cheap…if it does get that, there aint a lot of benefits with the Slim PSP, i was going to get my PSP exchanged for that….then stopped when i relaized it wasnt the wisest of decisions….of course paise bahut ho gaye tho khareedle…