FX Labs – how about those guys, huh? After the “unique” attempt made to remodel Riverdale life and the subsequent announcement on Dhoom 2.5 (many months ago announced, with little to no info on it, and still counting), the wizards of WTFery have supposedly turned their attention to creating a third-person action game featuring sassy mama sita, Malaika Arora Khan, called Agni: Queen of Darkness. The real bamboozledness of the whole issue? Not the fact that several random sources erratically post about how great the gameplay is (even going on to the extent to say Oblivion and Prince of Persia can’t compare to it) by mentioning absolutely nothing about said gameplay. Not the fact that the vaunted Mumbai Mirror decides to criticize the game for using a woman to sell it, even though they know just as much about this game as the developers know about the effects of gravity on the above-average female anatomy (read: zilch). Heck, not even the fact that the game is being marketed with a music video that features the most delusional mesh of 3D modeling, live-action dancing and India tunes this side of…well, this side of nothing in the name of sanity.

Just the fact that this game was The Lost that Irrational Games teamed with FXLabs to create, and went by the name of an early vision of Bioshock before less hallucinogen-induced minds prevailed and Irrational took the game into their own hands, makes you twitch and feel nothing is sacred. Everything about the game provokes the same, as mentioned with the propaganda (it’s too biased to be anything else) likening this title to the second coming of Ram and the impossibly demeaning pivotal motion of the heroine Tara’s hips. Seriously, what can we honestly say about a game where nothing honest exists? One of us from TAP could probably pick up this game (and I mean that in the loosest sense) and review it, but I for one like my eyes. And ears. And God. And I’m an Atheist.

Official word on an Agni review: Never-ever-ever and counting, by the infinitely far looks of it. Maybe we should pitch this one over to Yahtzee.

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By N2H

• Vijay Sinha Says:
  March 23rd, 2008 at 5:24 am

  Wait, you mean this isn’t the sequel to Heavy Metal F.A.K.K. 2? Some tragic magic, indeed. FXLabs, if you’re reading, mail us a review copy. We’ll give you the attention you truly deserve, gamer to gamer, et all.

• Arachnid Says:
  March 23rd, 2008 at 6:19 pm

  Wait – a game with Malaika Arora Khan as the protagonist? Fuck. There goes the plot. All you’ll have to do is use stretch-marks as shuriken, her smile should be equal to 2 quad damages and interactive cut-scenes featuring nice item-songs. Bollywood is here to rule, bitchez!

• cRazy Says:
  March 26th, 2008 at 8:28 pm

  Hope this is as bad a Yoddha…