One can’t help but feel a speck of discomfort knowing that one of the most anticipated games of the year is sitting right in front of your two visually impaired eyeballs, yet you’re allowed only so much time to play it before you realize that you’ve barely even scratched the surface. Such is the way of not being able to have a debug unit to call our own, as we’re sure many other reputable Indian sites are fully aware. Leaving that aside, Ren and I, along with another accompanying journalist who wished to be anonymous in regards to this write-up and thus shall here forth be christened “Dinobot”, were invited to Microsoft India’s office in Gurgaon to fool around with a review code of Lionhead Studios’s Action RPG Fable II – which, by the time you read this, should be available in stores today.

Rather than trying to speed-run through the game’s main storyline, Ren and I felt it was best to get ourselves acquainted with the large, open world you’re presented with right after awakening from the initial training you’ll go through as a young pup. Options abound everywhere you go. You could take up various odd jobs, pose for a sculptor, rummage through dungeons in search of loot with your canine companion, or be a complete douche bucket and beat the townsfolk into a bleeding pulp (Dinobot was principally fond of this activity). But one feature all of us were pretty keen on trying was to raise a family. And if having babies meant having to engage in some sex practices of the polygonal variety, hey, no objections here. Alas, little did we know how much work was really required to get things rolling.

(Note: Spoilers!)

Initially, we didn’t chase the opportunity of wanting to enter parenthood so early in the game; the opportunity merely came to us in the form of a quest that had to be completed in order to progress further. A ghost, harboring near an old statue depicting his self, asked us to find his former wife, seduce her, convince her to an engagement, and then shoot her down with a rejection letter from the dead man himself. We’re guessing he was the vengeful type of ghost. Accepting the quest unlocked a new emotional expression for us to experiment with: Seduction! Pressing the R-trigger brings up your list of expressions that you’ve earned so far, which you’ll be able to map to your D-Pad for quick and easy access. No question, the ability to spam farts in public at your very fingertips proves to be an indispensable ally.

While trotting to our destination, there was no on-screen mini-map of any sort to guide us. Instead, the game draws out a golden trail of light towards your current objective point. Your dog accompanies you for the majority of your travels and is trained to find any nearby treasure chests or dig spots for you shovel out in hopes of scoring some money bags. Even better, if you find a specialized book, your character will be able to read it and improve certain abilities that can be related to jobs that you frequently perform or to how well your dog is trained in finding rarer treasures.

Afterwards, we reached to the pub where our targeted mistress was found “socializing” in. While interacting with an NPC, pressing Y pulls up their character info detailing their likes, dislikes, current mood, etc. You can even change their names; a very welcoming option in case I’m especially frisky in having my future woman carry multiple handles of erotica (for now, I’m calling her “Stripperella”). But even with the newly obtained Seduce expression, this widowed mama Sita wasn’t erring to our rugged, bandit-ey charms. We had to turn up the groovitron ten-fold, and after performing countless Russian dance squats and arm-flex pumping, she was finally able to succumb to our will. Stripperella discloses her true feelings and even mentions that she was once married to a great man, and never hoped to regain from her loss. That is, until she met you. Which finally begs the question: do we dump her or take her hand in marriage?

Dump her after all the humiliating dancing? After all the arm pumps?! Our guts were telling us to screw the poltergeist and get us some well-deserved loving. We offered our fiancé with the cheapest engagement ring we could afford; thusly prompting an animated cutscene illustrating the hero and his new-found bride holding hands, signaling that you’re officially husband and wife. Off to make children, you suppose? Not quite. First you’ll need to acquire a house of your own. Nothing a few monotonous sessions of goldsmithing can’t solve! Be sure you know which house it is you’re planning to purchase, as its property value can vary over in time. Finally, all the integral pieces were in place. Stripperella had herself a house, our own bed, and an annoying senile canvas painter occupying the upstairs floor. The wife indicated that she was in the mood for something predictably funky and asked us to give us the thumbs-up if were interested in joining her. We happily obliged and opted for “Unprotected Sex” (just because), but what we got was something entirely different.

The sex scenes were blackened out! Oh, the humanity of all our hardships! But what really killed the romance in the air was the sudden bellowing of the shops being open. The rest of the video explains itself. Achievement unlocked, indeed. We stopped playing at this point, as attempting to father a child of our own likeness in, of all the crazy places, the office of Microsoft India’s Country Manager Jaspreet Bindra, was the last thing we had on our minds. Nope, that requires some personal touch of care that can only be found in the comforts of our very homes.

Expect a forthcoming review sans baby showers.

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By N2H

• Parag Says:
  October 22nd, 2008 at 5:58 pm

  Hell,VJ, that was one awesome read baybee…

  This mini-review-thing got me all interested in the bloody game..It’s gonna be comming for the PC as well rite?

• Vijay Sinha Says:
  October 22nd, 2008 at 9:08 pm

  No PC version yet, sadly, but all in due time! Why not just pick up the 360 version for yourself?

• Alden Jakobsen Says:
  March 10th, 2010 at 11:30 pm

  No joke you know what you are talking about , thank you