FX Labs - how about those guys, huh? After the “unique” attempt made to remodel Riverdale life and the subsequent announcement on Dhoom 2.5 (many months ago announced, with little to no info on it, and still counting), the wizards of WTFery have supposedly turned their attention to creating a third-person action game featuring sassy mama sita, Malaika Arora Khan, called Agni: Queen of Darkness. The real bamboozledness of the whole issue? Not the fact that several random sources erratically post about how great the gameplay is (even going on to the extent to say Oblivion and Prince of Persia can’t compare to it) by mentioning absolutely nothing about said gameplay. Not the fact that the vaunted Mumbai Mirror decides to criticize the game for using a woman to sell it, even though they know just as much about this game as the developers know about the effects of gravity on the above-average female anatomy (read: zilch). Heck, not even the fact that the game is being marketed with a music video that features the most delusional mesh of 3D modeling, live-action dancing and India tunes this side of…well, this side of nothing in the name of sanity.

Just the fact that this game was The Lost that Irrational Games teamed with FXLabs to create, and went by the name of an early vision of Bioshock before less hallucinogen-induced minds prevailed and Irrational took the game into their own hands, makes you twitch and feel nothing is sacred. Everything about the game provokes the same, as mentioned with the propaganda (it’s too biased to be anything else) likening this title to the second coming of Ram and the impossibly demeaning pivotal motion of the heroine Tara’s hips. Seriously, what can we honestly say about a game where nothing honest exists? One of us from TAP could probably pick up this game (and I mean that in the loosest sense) and review it, but I for one like my eyes. And ears. And God. And I’m an Atheist.

Official word on an Agni review: Never-ever-ever and counting, by the infinitely far looks of it. Maybe we should pitch this one over to Yahtzee.

About a few days ago, the World Cyber Games association announced their official roaster for this year’s global competition, and I gotta say, India better be getting a good chunk of what’s being offered. Project Gotham Racing 4 seems like a no-brainer, but Virtua Fighter 5? Oh, I’d be hitting that with a dash of chilli-sauce. And you should too.

Speaking of which, when we spoke to Cyril Ferry during last year’s preliminaries in Delhi, one thing Reggie and I asked him was the deal on the lack of recent game titles (Project Gotham Racing 3 makes an appearance, but Gears of War doesn’t?). He reasoned that because of the costs involved in owning either a high-end rig or next-gen console, older games running on older systems will always make for a bigger draw in the hearts of competitors. With a year already gone by, I hope to Hercules that this isn’t so much the case anymore, especially if you look at Guitar Hero 3, of all things considered. It’s widely available on a number of platforms (even on the DS, for Christ’s sake), and if folks don’t feel like purchasing the pricey peripheral, they can always jam for free on their keyboards with Frets on Fire. What does IndiaGames got to lose on this one?

Games improve your memory. Research has proven that people who play games have higher levels of concentration than those who don’t. Games help develop strategic thinking. Games help surgeons improve hand-eye coordination skills. Managers leverage games to help build and develop team dynamics at work.

BULLSHIT!

This one believes claims like these hold about as much water as the allegations that games inspire violent and psychotic acts. It’s a simple fact, that the roles games play in our lives are the roles we choose to assign to them, just like the roles movies, books or music play! Games are a means of entertainment, a story-telling medium, and by their own right, works of art in the interactive space. Analyzing their contribution to society from a utilitarian perspective is just a vain attempt to hook the nay-sayers in, and dispel (VERY widely held) notions that games are “a waste of time” and “meant for kids”. Honorable intentions for sure, but this just ain’t the right way to go about it!

Hit the jump for more of this drivel.

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The market place is teeming with vibrancy and life to a point where you actually feel you’re in 11th century Jerusalem. However being an assassin in such troubled times means only one thing, you’re in the city on business. Your target, a town preacher with a hidden agenda.

You wait, watching from the roof tops as he makes his way to a secluded spot after spewing his half-baked propaganda. As soon as he’s alone, you descend from the sky, his back facing you as you hurl a few punches at him, beating him into submission. No one said this would be non-violent, or so god damned involving.

While he puts up a feeble resistance to your super-human combat skills, the trees sway, creating shadows that dance across the stone buildings in the mid-day sun, you can almost feel the breeze. The city crier concedes and vital information changes hands. You draw your sword to reschedule his appointment with god.

All seems well, until, from absolutely nowhere, a burly man decked in 11th century couture decides to amble down this lonely spot and manages to miraculously walk in between your blade and the victim. And come out unscathed. David Copperfield’s ancestor perhaps?

It’s amazing how an anomaly can reduce an experience like this to the rank of a mere video game with flaws et al.

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Back in 2007, Penny Arcade released their “We’re Right” Awards, stating the best writing, soundtrack and new game mechanic awards. Predictably, the winner for all of them was Portal – something that we and many other gamers agreed on back then.

However despite this, it is in my opinion that at the very least, I have made a grave error. Portal’s story, despite being an amazing adventure with a compelling story and some of the best characters around (not to mention being responsible for spawning quite a few internet memes) was NOT the best story of 2007. It was NOT the best writing of the year, surprisingly.

So you may ask, what pray tell was the best story of 2007? What game could be better than GLaDOS or those incredibly cute turrets that let out the innocent “Whyyyyy?” whenever you toppled them over? Was it Bioshock? Andrew Ryan and Rapture were awesome after all. Was it maybe C&C 3? If those were your guesses, then I’m afraid your dead wrong. Hit the jump to find out just which game managed to trump GLaDOS and was an even bigger lie than the cake.

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Now that I have your attention…

I’d like to make it absolutely clear that I do not hate Guitar Hero 3. Nor GH1 or GH2. In fact, Guitar Hero is probably one of the best games out there that money can buy. Enjoy the game alone or get together with a bunch of friends. Drunk ones are better. But the game is quite literally for everyone - at any time, at any age.

But what’s got me pissed off, is that while Guitar Hero 3 for the PC is a good game you can invest your hard earned cash into, it’s also something that pretty much asks you to reinvent the wheel and buy a new guitar controller! Now while this may sound retarded (how are you supposed to play the game without a guitar!!? I hear ya), it’s just a tad insensitive towards the good folks who have Guitar Hero 1/2 and their controllers. Why on earth would I want to buy 2 guitar controllers for 2 different systems!? Sure, the 360 is a different story, but for the poor saps who want to enjoy the game on the PC - there is no hope. You MUST buy the controller.

Now here’s my problem - I’m not a cheap bastard. Well, OK, so I am. But the game ought to respect the fact that if I’m plugging in my PS2 GH controller via a USB connector, it better recognize it! But no! So if you can’t afford a second controller, you play with the effin’ keyboard!

The question really is - why couldn’t Neversoft or Aspyr build in support for a GH PS2 controller via USB? It’s no big deal - I mean Frets on Fire can do it, right? So the only other way you can get around this is by installing a program such as Pinnacle Game Profiler or something similar. Go through the pain of mapping each key to the buttons. Get humiliated because of the obvious lag for the game to pick up the controls and the ultimate realization that there is no whammy bar support! It sucks.

I wish game companies learnt a lesson or two from the Indie scene. Low budgets give us great games or at least a flawless gameplay experience. Sadly, with all it’s good looks, (crap songs), mega endorsements and hi-res models, Guitar Hero 3 for the PC has left me with a bitter aftertaste. I don’t want to buy it for a console because I have GH1 & GH2. I don’t want to buy a new controller because I have one. One that can work, if supported.

I want to uninstall the game and ask for a refund. Goddamn. Frets on Fire is better.

The severed head is so passé. Ditto for the ragdoll model, entertaining as it was to see a supposedly something-kilogram individual dissolve into a fluttery, floppy pair of dead bunny ears. No one pouts at the impaled body or distinctive parts on a pike, spear, or any variant thereof. That close-range shotgun shell into the gut is now commonplace – and it’s a strategy most players should adopt quickly if they want to take survival for a night out on the town without cheating on Lady Luck. And in today’s gaming world, true horror and chills have been substituted for spanking, new-fangled attempts at sadism, joyfully depicted in almost poetic reams of aching screams, cannibalism, most preferably of the female figure (Rape is so old-school), and intense emotional suffering.

Flash back to the time when Alone in the Dark first came out. Or to the first Resident Evil. Or if you’re one of the more gritty horror-mongers, Silent Hill. What started in those games wasn’t a trend but an élan for playing with a gamer’s nerves. Opening a door in Capcom’s franchise was a common sequence publicly admitted to hide load-times; Resident Evil: Code Veronica used the ingenous technique of a slow close-up on the handle of an entrance set to the rapidly increasing beating of a tense heart whenever a serious event was to take place. Most times it was the case, as when you were greeted by the Tyrant on the escape plane. The clawing of zombies out of graveyard soil formed the first CG sequence to gameplay transition. However, most insane, most maddening, and for all honesty, the best example of total full-on mind-fuckery was going through the sequence above and being greeted by…nothing. Horror done right, as they say, is horror not done at all.

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