We all love Portal and think its the best thing since people discovered that the Internet could be used for stuff other than boring research papers. So quickly, before you question about how perverse we are, let us tell you that we did not make this. There isn’t much to say about this lil’ slash-fiction doodle, so I won’t say it.

But the real deal is, Portal is for lesbians! Or that’s what Heroine Sheik says. Obviously being as sarcastic as GLaDOS herself (we hope), the article looks at a number of in-game imagery that apparently point to such a conclusion - including the presence of an all-female cast and the “reshaping” of guns to fire orifices (or vaginas, for you purists) instead of bullets. Hmm, I always thought guns were just guns, but I guess I should start looking at everything in terms of sex. Not that I already don’t, but just saying…

After stumbling on the fact that the Weighted Companion Cube is indeed a male (hello, the achievement is called “fratricide”. Also, picture! ^^^ ) which kinda puts a lil’ ding in her argument, she pulls a Freud on the usefulness of men - “They’re cute, but they’re a burden.” Strange, that’s exactly how we men feel about women at times.

I suppose I could just as well look at Portal and start dragging religion and politics into the whole mess. Or I could just look at a set of blueprints and see a drinking bird. But I think I’ll go do what I do best. Run up behind a turret and grab it, chuckling as it panics and starts saying stuff that are eerily reminescent of what my girlfriend says if I do the same thing to her.

With Halo 3 just around the corner, hype for the game is at an all time high, with people lining up outside stores to get their hands on the game, chugging away at 12-packs of Halo-flavored Mountain Dew Game Fuel and Slurpees, leaked scans of the manual and MC action figs in hand as they furiously debate why the Master Chief kicks the collective asses of every game hero ever made. As if all this merchandising wasn’t enough, one person has been cheeky enough to take the marketing to a whole new level. Presenting, the Halo 3 condom. Obviously someone’s little Photochop experiment, it just goes to show how we’re willing to buy anything with a Halo brand logo on it, but I guess I shouldn’t be one to talk. We don’t know how your partner is going to appreciate this, but we sure do know where the designer of this “Bungie brand condom” got his inspiration from - the opening cutscene of The Maw level from Halo.

Cortana: This thing is falling apart!
Master Chief: (calmly) It’ll hold.
Cortana: (panicky) We’re not gonna make it!
Master Chief: We’ll make it.
Cortana: PULL UP! PULL UP!
*crash* *boom* *bang*
Cortana: (annoyed) You did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Oh well, my lame awesome joke has been made. No, wait, I have one more. “Wonder if this is what Bungie had in mind when they announced 4-player co-op”. Ooh, I have another. “Better get the SERIOUS toothpaste!” … OK, OK, I’m goin’ already…

Looks like Mass Effect will be one-upping Fable: The Lost Chapters when it comes to “fun interactions” between members of the opposite sex… or the opposite species. According to a classification handed out to the game yesterday by the BBFC, it looks like there may be a lot more than saving the galaxy on the agenda, with the extended classification info on the game revealing the presence of a sex scene and, you guessed it, boobies! Or for the politically correct, breast nudity!

The game has been classified at ‘12′ for moderate violence and one sex scene.

The violence is undetailed and takes place in a futuristic setting. The single sex scene is brief and undetailed, although there is breast nudity in one version of the scene. The sex scene is triggered by the player making a series of choices about becoming more than friends with a colleague. If playing as a male character the scene can take place between him and a human woman or a humanoid female alien. If playing as a female character the scene can take place between her and a male human or a female humanoid alien.

The game also contains use of the word ‘bastard’ and at least one aggressive use of the word ‘bitch’.

The game has managed to net a “12″ classification and has been passed with no cuts made. Microsoft better get this one right or else risk the same situation they found themselves in with Halo 2 for Vista a couple of months ago. For the rest of us who welcome the chance to watch alien lesbians get it on with each other (I can already tell that the male gay community is going to have a fit over this), amuse yourself by watching these newly released videos and writing fan-fiction of Cmdr. Shepherd getting his freak on with Liara’s sexy blue ass.

Mass Effect: Character Spotlight Part 1 HD (WMV/44.2 MB)
Profile Reconstruction Gameplay HD (WMV/57.2 MB)
Galaxy Exploration Gameplay HD (WMV/42.1 MB)
Med Clinic Shootout HD (WMV/32.6 MB)
Gunpoint Interrogation Gameplay HD (WMV/58.7 MB)
Combat Gameplay HD (WMV/71.5 MB)
Gameplay Freedom Interview HD (WMV/111.9 MB)
Themes and Combat Interview HD (WMV/80.3 MB)

Gone are the days of stripping with each hand you lost at a poker game. What’s new, you ask? Stripping each time you got fragged in the Halo 3 beta! That’s right. The incredibly horny (and lucky) bastards at Epileptic Gaming decided to find out what happens when you mix pornstars and the Halo 3 beta, and brought over porn sisters Ava and Mia Rose for a nice session where each bit of clothing came off as the frags started to, err, rack up.While they’re still trying to work out how to post the videos online without getting their ass kicked by their bandwidth providers, they’ve managed to post out a couple of screencaps and a video preview, with the promise that more videos of the lovely sisters would be made available soon for our lecherous viewing pleasure later this week. We’re just wondering how we can soon replace all our party games at our LAN parties with this fun activity. We wonder if the Master Chief’s helmet has a wiper to get rid of all the condensation that must be building up inside…

PS: An afterthought hits as to how good these gorgeous gals are in Halo 3, considering they take some time to take off their clothes between frags. I consider myself to be able to stand my own ground in most multiplayer games, including Gears of War, but Halo 3 has me stumped. If I were in this situation, (before you kill yourself, that’s just hypothetical) I’d be buck naked in 10 seconds flat, considering how much I get “pwn3d” in the game. Oh well, I hope Ava and Mia can teach this old dog some new tricks with their recorded videos on Live, but who am I kidding, their Friends list is probably chock full already!

Source: [FleshBot, via Epileptic Gaming]

What is it with the Japanese and big boobs? With sexual habits that involve older women, lots of physical abuse and tons of mucho-weird tentacles, it is not unusual that almost every notable female figure from almost every media gets a ginormous boob job and is forced to participate in wanton acts of carnality.

And, of course, considering the Japanese near-mania state of obsession with the Fainaru Fantajī games, it’s inevitable that all the hot and cute (and seemingly underage, I might add) would undergo this sexual morphism as well, just to cater to the perverts in all of us. And it looks like the latest Final Fantasy girl to sit down and polish someone’s blade is none other than FF VII, umm, heart-throb, Tifa Lockheart.

Akibablog, in all their sexed-up wanderings, spotted this nice hentai comic of Tifa where she drops her entire inventory to take on two students(?) in what is described to be a teacher-rape fantasy experiment that goes on for all of 52 pages! Obviously, thousands of sex-starved otakus are probably lining up to take this home to their hump-pillows and not see the light of day for the next three weeks. Wonder what Square Enix has to say about all of this. Just as long as their own employees don’t take this to work or worse, design their own hentai based on the ultra-gorgeous CG Tifa from Advent Children. We wonder if we’d find any reasonably cute Tifa cosplayer here…

Read the Akibablog article on the comic >>
(Warning! EXPLICIT IMAGES! Not suitable for work!)

Edit: It looks like the guys at Kotaku actually understood all that Japanese and got through to what the article really was. Check out their impressions here.